- The episode opens with the news that Mr. B's cray-cray thievin' wife committed suicide... Except I still don't think it was suicide (brass knuckles +1). Is this just me? Am I paranoid? Have I gone cray-cray too?!
- Then Lady G says she wants Cousin Matthew to leave Downton as he's too much of a distraction for Mary who ought to be focusing on vile Richard (brass knuckles +2). Say what now? SRSLY, Lady G?
|Back. away. slowly.|
- *bear claw hands* Lord G tells Jane he's written to the headmaster of the school on behalf of her son (brass knuckles +3). The part of me that wants to believe that Lord G is not capable of being unfaithful says maybe he just needs someone to talk to who agrees that life can never go back to the way it was before the war. But I have such a terrible feeling about this! Why is Jane conveniently popping up everywhere he goes? Home-wrecking stalker!
- When he's alone with Mr. B, Lord G suggests that it couldn't have been suicide because she didn't leave a note (brass knuckles +4). AND I HATE EVERYTHING! Because it's true.
|You, sir, are creepyyyyy!!!|
- Vile Richard tells Anna he'll pay her to spy on Mary for him and I begin to wonder if there are going to be any heart warming moments in this episode at all (brass knuckles +5).
- The night's discussion revolves around the latest fashions in Paris, including the short haircuts the girls are styling. Cousin Matthew tells Mary he hopes she won't copy them and it's a very couple-y thing to say in front of everyone (smelling salts +1). What? In their case, I will take what I can get!
- Golden-hearted Sybil visits Branson and puts a reassuring hand on his cheek (smelling salts +2). PROXIMITY!!!!! Atta girl.
- Anna tells Carson and Mrs. Hughes what vile Richard asked her to do because real ladies don't stand for ungentlemanly behavior (smelling salts +3)!
- After hearing this, Carson tells Mary he can't move to her new home and work for a man like vile Richard. Of course, this is meant to set off some red flags in her mind because everyone knows she shouldn't be with such a non-gentleman. I think she realizes this, but she makes a biting remark about him to vile Richard as he leaves the room (brass knuckles +6). Mary! You're better than that!
- Blaaaaaaargggggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Lord G kisses Jane and I AM SCREAMING AND THROWING THINGS AND SPILLING THINGS AND HATING ALL THE THINGS (brass knuckles +7). Whyyyyyyyy?!?! They have zero chemistry! I don't understand!
|IT'S A MIIIIIIIIIRACLE! OH MY STAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! AHHKDSLFJKLSD!!!!!!!!|
- But I'm easily distracted because OMGEEZIES COUSIN MATTHEW IS STANDING (smelling salts +4)!!!!! You know what this means?! Lots of sex and babies with Mary! Obviously. Oh joy! Oh destiny!
- Vile Richard questions whether or not they should look at a different house, saying it might not suit Mary to be so close to Downton i.e. Cousin Matthew (brass knuckles +8). Be careful, vile Richard, or I'll set Mr. B on you!
- What. the... Cousin Matthew and Lavinia announce that they'll be getting married at Downton Abbey (brass knuckles +9). Boo.
- Sybil finds Branson and tells him she's ready to ride off into the sunset with him (smelling salts +5)! Just like him, I've been waiting so long for this moment!
- AND THEN THEY FI-NA-LLY KISS (smelling salts +7 because happy kisses get 2 points)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *glitter confetti*
- Intent on getting support from her baby's grandparents, Ethel barges in on the luncheon they're having with the Crawleys to tell them they have a grandson. But Mr. Bryant is a douche- the apple didn't fall far from the tree, apparently- and Ethel is thrown out (brass knuckles +10). In other news, I don't really care about this plot line.
- The all-knowing all-seeing Countess tells Cousin Matthew that Mary is still in love with him (smelling salts +8). Thank you, thank you, thank you! Finally someone with some sense!
- Then she adds a dash of extra-awesome into the mix saying they will not fall out over this no matter what he decides (smelling salts +9). She cares! She really cares!
- The last letter Mr. B's cray-cray thievin' wife ever wrote, in which she tells a friend that she feared for her life where Mr. B was concerned, is found by the police (brass knuckles +11). I've had it! I've had it with Mr. B. I no longer care.
- Mary discovers a note left in Sybil's room saying that she has eloped with Branson (smelling salts +10)! This is- this is- this is not how I expected things to happen, but I can't say I'm not excited. Mary, Edith, and Anna promptly get in the car to track them down.
- They find them and after a bit of a squabble, Sybil decides that she can't break up the family like this. But, no worries, she'll stay true to Branson and has no intention of giving him up (smelling salts +11)! Sybil, can I be your maid of honor?
- Stalker Jane tries to hand in her resignation, but Lord G won't hear of it (brass knuckles +12). GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Three months later (whaaaaaat?), Branson shows up at a dinner party unannounced and the truth about his relationship with Sybil comes out *gasp*. Lord G forbids the union (brass knuckles +13). Why's that, Lord G? Aristocrats can't be in love with servants? You're such a hypocrite! Branson works for a newspaper now anyway!
- The Countess tells Edith that her turn in love will come (smelling salts +12). Will you be my grandma, Countess? Because I need this pep talk! And even though I'm clearly not Edith's biggest fan, I am suddenly feeling a wave of sympathy for her. I also like this notion that being defeatist is very middle class. Ha!
- Even though all this terrible stuff is happening with the investigation and they could get in massive amounts of trouble for doing it, Anna tells Mr. B to go get a marriage license (brass knuckles +14). By all means! Let's make things even more complicated!
|Sensory overload, n'est pas?|
- Oh sweet merciful heaven, left unchaperoned, Cousin Matthew and Mary are dancing to dulcet OTP tunes (smelling salts +13).
- But... doth mine eyes deceive me?? THEY KISS (smelling salts +14). Ok, so you're probably wondering why I gave the kiss one point instead of the usual two. Obviously, IAMVERYEXCITEDANDCANNOTPROCESSTHEGLORYOFTHISMOMENT so I had to give it one. But I didn't give it another because it does kind of feel wrong. Matthew was just saying how he couldn't throw Lavinia over after all she's done to help him recover. Do I want him with Lavinia? NO. But this act felt a bit forced to me even after all the mounting tension. To be honest, it feels a little fan-fic-y.
- Naturally Lavinia shows up at this precise moment (brass knuckles +15).
- Lord G pulls Jane into his room for kissing and possibly etc (brass knuckles +16) and... MY INSIDES ARE IMPLODING WITH RAGE!!!!!!!! Lord G! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?! He stops it after Mr. B comes to check up on him.
- The next day Lord G shows up at the hotel in an attempt to pay Branson off (brass knuckles +17). Just when I thought he couldn't sink any lower...
|But she and I are OTP!|
- Naturally, Branson turns him down because it is TRUE LOVE (smelling salts +15).
- Bedridden with the Spanish flu, Lady G grows worse and life-ruiner O'Brien won't leave her side. While I'm glad someone is there for her since Lord G has proved unreliable, she is... well, a life-ruiner! And nothing can make up for what she did! And I wish she would just spill the story and get herself deservedly fired at last (brass knuckles +18).
- Lavinia's sick as well and since the wedding has to be delayed anyway, she tells Matthew she saw what happened between him and Mary and they should take this time to evaluate whether or not they should actually be together (brass knuckles +19). Listen, you know I don't want these two together, but it breaks my heart that she witnessed Matthew's infidelity! I hold him to such a higher standard.
- Upon hearing that Lavinia is sick, vile Richard returns to Downton to ensure that if something happens, Mary won't swoop in on Matthew (brass knuckles +20). Go away!
- Lady G's situation drastically turns for the worse and gahhhh no this can't happen (brass knuckles +21).
- Mary makes amends with Carson and takes care of him while he's sick (smelling salts +16). All is right in the world. Except not.
- Lavinia dies (brass knuckles +22). I did not want this to be the way Cousin Matthew ended up choosing Mary over her.
- Rejecting the rich grandparents' proposal to raise her baby themselves, Ethel decides to raise her child herself (smelling salts +17).
- Mr. B and Anna tie the knot and I force myself to be happy for Anna's sake (smelling salts +18). Because I still like Anna even if I'm through with Mr. B.
- At long last, Jane resigns, but not before Lord G gives her money for her son (brass knuckles +23). You're a fool.
|His faaaaaaaace! CREYES for eyes!!! I can't.|
- At the funeral, ghostly Cousin Matthew tells Mary that a) Lavinia died of a broken heart, b) they're cursed, and c) this is the end of anything that might have been between them (brass knuckles +24). GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
- Then there's some justice in the world and Lord G gives Sybil and Branson his consent (smelling salts +19). Finally! Something to actually celebrate!
- Mr. B is arrested for murder to really leave us with a warm and fuzzy feeling (brass knuckles +25). I think he did it. Do you? I wish I felt more torn!
In the end, brass knuckles crushed smelling salts 25 to 19. I just... ughh... Obviously, I am psyched about all the Branson/Sybil and Mary/Matthew OTP action. But it came at such a price! Do I worry that Lavinia's death has indeed ruined any chance of l'amour bliss between Mary and Cousin Matthew? No. But it hurts to see him hurting. And speaking of love gone south, Lord G, we are no longer on speaking terms. I will leave it at that. And that goes for you too, Mr. B! I do not want this storyline born from your stupidity to tarnish all of season 3. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be cleared up in the Christmas special next week. Arrrrrrghhhh!!!!!!!!! So many torn FEELINGS! Officially stressed about every plot line from here on out.