Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A Guide to Winning Fair Lady's Heart

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Valentine’s Day is approaching, and it is important for the gentlemen of the world to know how to attain a woman's heart.  I have provided a few guidelines on what to do and what not to do according to the leading authorities on wooing, which include, but are not limited to, Jane Austen (obviously), the Brontë sisters, and the like.  


Do's:

Serenade your lovely one - this I cannot stress enough.

Dick Dewy, you can sing to me anytime

Read her poetry, and never give up hope.

All's well that ends well
Wink at a strange girl and call her "Carrots."

Oh Gilbert, you really are adorable!

Get defensive because you're afraid her horrible family will hurt her and then flirt with her in an absolutely adorable way.

Rochester is a rock star

Kiss your lady in the moonlight:

Arwen and Aragorn sittin' in a tree


Now, onto the Do Not's

Ditch a perfectly wonderful girl for another just because she has more money.  You will regret it, and mournfully observe her blissfully happy life without you.

Naughty Willoughby

Make your best friend feel like a horrible person when she rejects your marriage proposal to save your friendship.  It will all turn out right in the end.

Patience, Laurie, patience

Fall for the superficial step sister and take forever to realize that the girl of your dreams was right in front of you the ENTIRE time.

Took your sweet time didn't you, Roger?


Be a creeper.

You are an awkward man, Mr. Elton

Insult your true love.  Even if you don’t know that she is your one and only at the time.

You made it right in the end, but damn if you didn't screw up at the start

Follow these simple Do's and Do Not's, and you'll be riding in a horse-drawn carriage to happiness.

2 comments:

  1. I HEART THIS LIST times a bajillion. ARAGORN! Oh my heart, my heart.

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  2. Oh, Sarah, if only you could have heard the SQUEAL produced when I saw that you had included the serenade! The serenaaaaaaade!!!!!! He. is. SO. CUTE. Eeee!!!!!

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