Tuesday, February 14, 2012

An Open Love Letter to Richard Armitage


Dear Richard Armitage,

It's Valentine's Day, so I thought now was as good a time as any to finally spill the beans and tell you how I FEEL. I know we have dear readers in New Zealand and since you're out there filming The Hobbit, I guess I'm just pretending that one of them is you!

They always say that love finds you when you're not looking for it. I never truly believed these words until you. You see, when I first saw you two years ago, I was in a dark place. Not only was I living in a French bomb shelter devoid of any shred of human happiness, but I had just finished season 2 of Merlin. I was distraught. I was lost. It was a difficult time for me. But I had to go on! I knew I must go on! So I turned to Robin Hood, hoping it would semi-fill the hole that Merlin had left behind. 

The rest is history... (x)
And fill it did! I had just started coming down with a case of the warm fuzzies over Robin Hood's shenanigans, when you came on screen. God knows, I have a thing for the bad boy who just might turn out to be good, and you certainly looked the part. But then... *fans self*... you opened your mouth to speak. The Monkees sang, "but then I saw her face... now I'm a believer!" Well, darling, this was definitely a "then you spoke one word... now I'm a believer!" moment. Your gravelly voice was- is- like a tranquilizer gun. Every single time, it stuns me senseless. It's an assault on my red-wined senses and I could listen to you read the side of a cereal box for weeks on end, completely captivated. 

Rawrmy + H2O = fireworks dans mon coeur! (x)
But you played a character who should not have been likeable with such complexity and FEELING that I quickly found myself rooting for your Guy of Gisborne over Robin Hood in the battle for Maid Marian's affections. Even though you wear so much pleather! Such powers you have over me! I was in a trance! Hypnotized by all! the! tension!!!
Oh Maid Marian, I want to be you for so many reasons, but this one tops them all! (x)
It's like you know my favorite thing in the world is PROXIMITY!!!
Plus the guyliner! (x)
Then you have this smirk...
To quote Scarlett O'Hara, "He looks as if... as if he knows what I look like without my shimmy!" (x)
And that evil grin...
The only thing that made this was forgivable was the fact that you lost sleep over this scene in real life. (x)
And even though your character/the writers did something so UNSPEAKABLY HORRIBLE at the end of season 2, which I have yet to recover from- even though I vowed never to watch season 3 because of what you/they had done- even though I CRIED FOR DAYS (and sent Ali countless novel-esque e-mails about my FEELINGS- sorry, Ali!)- there I was a week later, turning to season 3 in a state of emotional devastation (I just have a lot of FEELINGS, ok?) because I had to know what happened to your character! The power of you! I couldn't shake myself free!
Such a noble brow... *le sigh* (x)
But Robin Hood ended like all shows do and there I was on the brink of fictional-boyfriend-less despair yet again! So what did I do? I IMDb'd you, of course! And then North & South came careening into my life declaring, "OBSESS OVER ME!" So, I saw you in a top hat, brooding like a proper boss, wooing a lady Victorian style, and I cried, "OBSESSION GRANTED!"

Your proposal gone wrong quickly became one of my all time favorites. But this scene... "Look back... look back at me" - that one zapped me into ALL CAPS FEELINGS oblivion! Your voice! Your tortured voice! Your flawless tortured voice!

Ughhhh my heart. (x)
And then I noticed your hands... And, well, I just have this thing for hands.
SMELLING SALTS x INFINITY!!!!!!!!!!! (x)
Then you visually barraged me with your cravat-less collar!
A regular occurrence, I'm sure. (x)
Soon your handsome stranger had me smitten in The Vicar of Dibley.

I mean... SERIOUSLY! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO MY HEARTSTRINGS?!?!?! You can stand in my door drilling me about kissing protocol any time.


(fast forward to 2:50)

And, just so you know, this will be exactly how I react if when if you propose.

Inevitably, you have wound up in my dreams (heavy on the Guy persona). I mean, honestly, have you read my about me? I can't get you out of my head even when I'm unconscious! We're my favorite OTP, you and me! Your sultry voice has convinced me to elope with you and make celebratory fajitas on numerous occassions. One time, you even chased me through an endless bazaar after I ran away thinking you were about to choose someone else's non-4evs love over mine. But you cornered me in the Moulin Rouge dressing room in front of a massive crowd of onlookers. You were in your pleather, cape and all, and when you unsheathed your sword, I thought you were going to kill me for running away. But you pointed it at my chest and declared, "I claim this heart" in that silky-smooth hypnotic voice. So we started making out and it was awesome. And it's the best dream I've ever had! Did I really just share this? Well... People should know why my standards are so high, I guess!

Shoot, you even had me squealing playing a bad guy in Captain America! (x)
I am not trying to freak you out, Rawrmitage! But you're a seemingly passionate man and I have a lot of FEELINGS and wouldn't it be great if you invited me to visit the set of The Hobbit (P.S. what on earth were you trying to DO to me singing in that trailer?!?! Dwarf costume or not, your voice melts my petticoat) while you're in New Zealand? I mean, I've always wanted to see the hobbit holes because I'm a total lady nerd. And you + hobbit holes would only be the BEST. THING. EVER. Did I just type that out loud? Oh well.

Anyway, it will be grand. I will read you the side of a cereal box or tell you embarrassing stories of my misadventures to make you laugh or just admire your skillz (and by skillz, I obviously mean your arms or your jawline that could cut diamonds because you give me a mad case of "Hungry Eyes").

Scenes like this inevitably lead me to youtube gold like this. Sorry! I'm not sorry! (x)
You're a very talented man and I love you purely for your talent...
Holy guns, Batman! (x)
That's a lie. That's the first and last lie I'll ever tell you. But it sounds weird to say that I actually joined a freaking fan site of yours just to see more pictures of you because I couldn't find them anywhere else and I was really distraught and if I was still in high school your face would be plastered in collage form all over my notebook that might have scribblings of a fanfic inside and did I mention that I send pictures of your flawless face to the other authors of Victorian Swag on a weekly basis??
Classy Rawrmitage is v. classy. (x)
Because who can say pictures of you in a cardigan hovering over a pool table didn't help them get through the day? THIS IS LIKE A REFLEX AND I CAN'T STOP SAYING THESE RIDICULOUS THINGS! But ok... *deep breath*
There are no words... <-- except maybe those. (x)
The fact is, you have the best voice in existence (with an accent- how is that fair?), a charming sense of humor, are tall dark and handsome, manly yet sensitive, currently sporting a beard, and I conveniently LOVE all. these. things. I can also make you quiche, get you to arm flail dance with me to "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" in embarrassingly public places, navigate the Paris m├ętro for you, and kiss you till my lips fall off (optional, but preferable, to be honest (and since we're being so honest, you should know this (except that's never been proven (but in this case, I'll make an exception)))).
*smolder* (x)
Rawrmy, Rawrmy, Rawrmy. Don't let my lack of filter or the age difference bother you. I just have a lot of FEELINGS and 16 years is not so bad when you think about it in you-couldn't-actually-be-my-father terms. Besides, I rather like older men and I have almost zero emotional baggage unless you include stuff fictional boyfriends have put me through (still not over the season finale of season 2 of Robin Hood, ya jerk!). I'll bake you cookies when you're feeling blue, stop babbling incoherently whenever you want to talk to me (because, did I mention that I LOVE YOUR VOICE?!?!), travel to the far ends of the earth and maybe into sci-fi spaces too, because, Rawrmitage, the rumors are true. I love you, truly, I do.

So in an effort to sound cooler than I've made myself out to be and in the words of the honorable Bridget Jones, "If you want to pop by some time, that might be nice!"

Yours affectionately,


Sally


xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S. Dear readers, have you told your celebrity crush you love him/her today? xx

13 comments:

  1. I'm not joking, Sally, this is my favorite post in life. I'm just going to leave it up on a page and come read it every hour on the hour. Partially because of your witty writing, but also because I HEART RAWRMITAGE!

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  2. This is great! I only have one quibble -- fictional boyfriends?!! ;-)

    Seriously, his voice is divine. I hope you've had the pleasure of listening to some of his audio work. If not, I'll be giving away some of his books this year, and there is not a bad one in the bunch. My personal favorite is Lords of the North.

    And Sally, I also think your writing is witty. :D

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    1. Hahaha- fictional boyfriends just rolls off the tongue a little nicer than fictional boys who give you a lot of FEELINGS.

      I totally forgot to mention how I've been known to play snippets of audio books he narrates on Amazon for my friends just to prove a point (about his perfect voice)! I'll definitely be on the lookout for those giveaways! I mean... OBVIOUSLY.

      Thank you for your kind words and happy swooning!

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  3. Hello Sally,
    I loved this piece, thank goodness for google alerts otherwise I might have never seen it!
    You my dear have been Armitaged- join the club and welcome aboard!

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  4. Ah! How I love reading other people's Armitage Obsession stories! Thank you for this, it is truly inspired. It is comforting to know I have so much in common with total strangers, so that when my family thinks I've gone off the deep end at least I know I'm in good company. :)

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  5. Love your post - I adore his voice too! You describe the effect perfectly.

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  6. Yes, it was real fun reading. Welcome aboard, Sally!

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  7. Just for the record, I never minded receiving those novel-length emails detailing the trials of Guy, Marian and Robin Hood. It kept me quite entertained; even if I did remain confused as to why you were obsessing about a bad guy in pleather. And although I enjoyed all of the pictures and gifs that were sent to my computer for months, I was still unconvinced that this man was obsession worthy. And then I watched North and South. And now, I'm a believer too. SO MANY FEELINGS!!

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  8. Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! I LOVE THIS POST!!!!
    No I haven't told my celebrity crush I love him but who can top this love letter????

    Nice one ;D

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  9. You've got it bad . . . . and that's good. Welcome. Nice selection of screencaps.

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  10. What a great piece of writing. And so many things you've described echo my own discovery of this beautiful, talented actor. Richard Armitage is a masterpiece!

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  11. This post is FULL OF WIN. I really must finish Robin Hood and go have a North & South marathon, because, really, one can never have enough Rawrmitage!

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