Thursday, July 26, 2012

To Judge or Not to Judge: The Mill on the Floss

Why is it that period pieces have the worst movie posters on the planet? Here we go trying to convince the world that they're not 100% sap monster, that they're gripping and full of intrigue. And yet when we lend them to our friends, we're forced to say, "Don't judge it by its cover!" Of course, this is easy to say for the films you love. But what about when you're scrolling through the period piece section of Netflix aka cringe central? You can offer no excuses! So... are they as bad as they look? Over the next few weeks I will be digging out some of the ugliest looking period pieces on Netflix, judging them by their movie poster, and then telling you what lies beyond.
Holy horrific, Photoshop! (x)
We start with The Mill on the Floss. Obviously it's about a mill. But... "on the Floss"? What does that mean? Is it a river or a whore house? I'm sorry, but the question had to be asked. Because Miss Flossy here is wearing her hair down *GASP*! As we all know, in period pieces that either means the girl's not of age or she means business. The one thing this cover has going for it is that it obviously has a very sassy Emily Watson in it and she's always fabulous even if she's not playing a sassy character. Since I've never seen her doing a Victorian hip jut, I'm betting this movie is about a spicy whorehouse disguised as a  mill in the middle of nowhere, discoverable only by leaky canoes rushing down the River Floss when... there's no daylight left for sifting through rocks for gold! I mean, look at those evergreens in the background! Surely they're Californian. This means gold-digging on so many levels!

So the movie starts and spends wayyy too much time centered around boring children, Maggie and Tom, growing up at a boring mill with a boring land ownership problem. Mannn!!!! All hopes that this being about a colorful whore house have gone flying out the window. Along with the Californian gold rush as they are clearly British. Basically I've lost all interest within the first 5 minutes. But the kids' father, King Theodin, does call Maggie a "little wench," which keeps me watching in the hopes that they will come into their money by turning this wretched mill into a whore house.

Break #1: 20 minutes in. A dreamless sleep was literally more interesting than the introduction.

Blah, blah, blah, they have a crippled cousin whose father is the baddie messing with the land around the mill. Maybe. I don't know. And I don't care.

Break #2: 45 minutes in. Look at that endurance! I went a whole five minutes longer this time around! But obviously, Philip's questionable crush on his bipolar cousin Maggie is not enough to keep me going.

Blah, blah, blah, day 3 makes the 3rd attempt to watch this movie. Are these kids ever going to grow up? Ah! Finally. A) There's no way Tom grew up to be that much cuter and B) HELLO JAMES FRAIN aka older Philip. A bunch of stuff is happening that I don't care about... Did I just fall asleep? Oh wait! Philip and Maggie are talking in some sort of shack saying they love each other. And... WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY?!?! Not only has Maggie already proven herself to say the most depressing things known to man, but now she reveals that she doesn't read books. OH NO YOU DIDN'T! Am I supposed to root for this character?? I don't think so. The two get caught kissing by Tom who declares they are never allowed to see each other again. But then they switch drama out for a court room scene and... I literally... can't go on.

Mission aborted: 1 hour in, 1 hour to go. I have to be brutal here and cut all ties. I can't imagining caring about any story less.

Movie Poster: the Jekyl to your Hyde
Smelling Salts: -9,987
Bosom Friends: accidentally stiff-armed off a bridge
Feels: *brass knuckles*
Goin' Courtin': I'm sorry, your calling card has been denied.

Quel failure! I guess I learned my lesson. This period piece was as bad as the movie poster. Sorry, The Mill on the Floss, your Victorian Swag wax seal of approval has been DENIED.

P.S. Did you notice our brand spankin' new page, The Victorian Swag Dictionary? Check it out!

2 comments:

  1. "This means gold digging on so many levels." SERIOUSLY BEST LINE EVER. CANNOT.STOP.GIGGLING. I'm glad I waited until this morning to read this, because now I'm going to randomly break out into laughter whenever I think of this post. New favorite series? OH YES! I'm thinking so! I'm so glad I haven't ever watched this, and I am so going to troll Netflix tonight and give you some more horrible suggestions to watch!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Considering your love for movie scores, I think it's best that you STAY AWAY! Like... maybe you should start carrying mace around with you in case it comes after you? Yuck. And yes, give me suggestions!

    ReplyDelete